Waking up to screams of terror and cries for help, I had no idea what to do. The bloodcurdling scream woke me from a deep sleep. It made my stomach drop to my bony knees. Sweat was dripping from my neck, I cranked my head around to check the clock for the time: 1:02 AM. I leaped from my bed, grasping the doors handle throwing it open, only to hear more yelling and shattering. The sounds were so close just beyond the stairs. I didn’t know what to do so I ran to the top of the stairs, a little shaky and still half asleep I crumbled to my knees sitting and listening to the vulgar words being shouted. “You asshole,” “All you care about is yourself!” I listened for what felt like hours but what really was only minutes. I thought of what it could be they were arguing over. Money, affairs, work, the kids, maybe even love. My brittle little body shook from fear that I couldn’t help. That I couldn’t fix it. I heard a creak of the floor boards coming towards me. I popped to my feet and jetted back to my bedroom door, not to be caught listening. After only seconds of not hearing another creak I returned to my perch at the top of the staircase. Only this time I crumble not realizing how tired I truly was. My mind wondered into thinking of what I might see if I were to venture into the lions den and witness the brutal attack. I thought what if my involvement got me hurt or maybe all the fighting would just cease in a moment. A scream of terror broke my wondering mind. This scream put me into immediate action,it was so terrifying I didn’t have time to think. It was my moms. All the hairs on my body stood up It didn’t matter what happened next I had to stop it. I rushed down the stairs gripping the railing making sure not to fall in my panic. I ran into a scene of three familiar faces. My mother sprawled out on the ground convulsing in tears, my sister hunched over her unleashing all her frustrations and anger, and then my father standing inches away holding back his rage. I lunged towards my mom shielding her from the my sister. Words with too much emotional meaning were flying through the air stinging the surface as they landed upon the descendants skin. Unaware of what was happening next, my sister was on the ground being swatted at like a bear hitting a beehive looking for honey by our father. I was not willing to jump in the middle of this battle so all I could do was scream, “STOP,” for the execution of the argument. My mind was blank, I was completely unaware of what was coming out of my mouth. My ears were ringing. Within seconds the fight was over. I waited till ever last participant was in their respected room. When I finally laid my body down for some rest I glanced at the clock at my bedside table to see: 1:55 AM. Only six hours till I had to be up and smiling in my desk in grade school. Running the previous nights events through my head trying to figure out what I could have done to change the outcome.
One of my favorite songs.
Walking forward alone, never feels right. Not in the moment. But unless I take these steps I’l never find what’s waiting on the other side for me, for my life. Whatever happens with my life, I have to provide support for my family. And I mean mentally, I was always the support before and I can’t become selfish now and watch as my family self-destructs. It always seems like we take steps progressing towards healing and growth, but then something (someone) pulls us all right back. It’s been a constant battle since I can remember. Everyone against each other, feeling as though they were their only allie. I was just there to try and keep the peace, but in the end I was only trampled with the problems. I only really helped with the tiny moment of release and forget, provoking those around me to move forward, mostly to help myself deal with the fighting. Some people believe “everything happen for a reason,” but is that only when good comes from it? Why are good, decent, reliable people pushed to the limit and crushed when they’ve done nothing wrong?
I wish I knew….
This will be one long journey and I know that, I knew that. But there is this sense of you can’t ” really know” till you’re falling so hard your arms can’t catch you and plow face first into a giant crossroad. Leaving all I know in the distance as I stumble forward isn’t easy, the feeling of leaving friends and lovers behind holds a strong burden. But without the support of my own two legs the first steps will never be taken with the strong confidence that it needs. Tomorrow will be successful… I will make it be.
It hurts so bad. The pain I feel in the pit of my stomach, the agony that convulses me to cry. It’s over, it’s really over I can’t believe it. I just want him back I really miss him. I know it’s only the first of many, but I don’t want to deal with it. And I feel alone. Why did I have to find this amazing relationship and then have it torn from my spirit? Every bit of it is gone. He is no longer there, he seems vacant and quite. Not talking for days shouldn’t matter, but it does.
Coming to a place that’s so awake and so vibrant is intimidating, and I always have to have this facade, like I’m on the right track to my train or bus ect. Otherwise I get lost in all the hustle and bustle. I’m truly excited to start the adventure of what my new life is, and I’m ready to move forward towards my goals!